stand back, everyone. cosmo consulted the experts.

I would like to address this feature from the popular sex/love/beauty/general misdirected and abysmally obtuse advice magazine for the impressionable female.

‘What His Text Really Means’

WHOA! Siddown! Startin’ off with a bang here. Pithy title…I’ll bet there’s an even pithier article in store.

I will say this. It needs a subtitle. I think, ‘How To Lose Your Mind Over A Few Inconsequential Characters on Your iPhone Screen, Read Way Too Much Into Everything a Man Says and Does and, Subsequently, Drive Away All Your Boyfriends, Friends, Family and Pets,’ would be apt.

I suppose I can understand the need for some sort of guide for interpreting texts, particularly from the person who currently holds your romantic interest. But, the reality of the situation is…THERE IS NO GUIDE FOR THAT SHIT! To delve deeply into the root thought process behind a monosyllabic text message and ascribe any kind of meaning to it is just short-sighted, naive, neurotic, frustrating…and on and on and on.

I once sent a text to a guy I was into that said, “I don’t usually sleep with men who wear baseball hats.”

WHAT? What was my game there? What could I have been thinking?

The answer: I have no idea. My God, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was nervous and looking for something interesting to say.

That said, there is one occasion when you can read into any text with 100% certainty. It’s after 2 AM..any. Night. Of. The. Week. We all know what that call means. Tale as old as time. Song as old as rhyme.

SO! Here are three of the most off-base text interpretations from the article. Fun fact: they all come from the illustrious and totally legit “dating coach,” Adam LoDolce.

Whew.

LoDolce. Beautiful name. Masculine. How does one become a “dating coach?” What are the clientele like? And finally, what is the average age at which they typically throw themselves off the highest peak of Kilimanjaro?

Herewego.

1. “Hey”

What Adam LoDolce says it means:

“Dating coach Adam LoDolce calls this random text (which can also come in the form of “sup” or “yo”) the “weak attempt.” Yes, the guy’s thinking about you, but he’s not thinking hard enough. Text back if you like him, but don’t bother if you’re not sure about him.”

What it actually means:

Hey.

2 “Want to meet up later?”

What Adam LoDolce says it means:

“If a guy sends you this message before 8 p.m., it shows he’s being proactive in his attempt to see you, LoDolce says. But, if all he does is text you, and you want to see some more effort, tell him you prefer to talk on the phone. “This will separate the guys who want a relationship from the ones who don’t,” he says. “If he calls, it’s a fair assumption that he’s interested in something more than just a booty call.”

What it actually means:

Let’s hang out.

This is pretty much what LoDolce, God of Love, tells us it means, but he adds the extra caveat that if the guy actually, really, truly wants to see you, he will go the extra mile and make a phone call.

Here’s another little scenario. A guy texts you, “Want to meet up later?” You reply, “Well, yes, but in order to know you’re serious, I’d like to firm this up by way of a phone conversation.”

He’s going to think that’s so weird! Come on! Call him yourself if it’s so important to you.

3. “How are you?”

Over to you, LoDolce:

“When guys like a girl, their minds can get jumbled,” LoDolce says. He’s probably not intentionally being boring, he just doesn’t know what to say. If you really like the guy, ask him to give you a call later—he might just be a bad texter.”

What he actually means:

How are you?

Hey! Screw you, LoDolce! “He’s probably not intentionally being boring”????? Well, exccccccuuuuse me! What do you want, a friggin’ Shakespearian ballad? A profession of interest second only to the poetry of William Butler Yeats? And, again, “ask him to call you.”

Also, you really aren’t giving your sex much credit. It seems, LoDolce, that you would have us believe men are nothing more than befuddled little creatures, incapable of composing a sentence-long text.

“Oh, my poor mind! All jumbled by this kind-of attractive lady!”

And this, I think we can all agree is an age-old cop out, used by men and women alike to avoid getting to the heart of the issue and taking responsibility for their actions. “I’m just so confused. I don’t even really know what I’m saying!” Please. My grandmother uses that trick all the time. Well, I’m wise to her, LoDolce, and you better believe I’m wise to you.

I gotta say, LoDolce...you fine, but I think you’re giving me bad advice. I know you wrote the seminal classic, “Being Alone Sucks,” and everything…but I think what you’re actually doing is encouraging a culture of women who are so wrapped up in reading non-existent signals, they miss out on potentially great friendships and relationships with guys who are actually into them. 

My advice? Reading into text messages is a waste of energy. In the end, you know when someone’s interested. You just do.

 

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